Just Can’t Today

(At least my Wonder Woman socks make me kind of happy. Perfect for throwing my childish tantrum.)

I can’t be positive everyday. I just can’t. I am dealing with some really difficult issues in regards to finances, housing, health, and the relationship with my son. Living on a disability income is harder than hard and I’ve been creative and good about asking for help. My problem is with all my health issues, I have hundreds of dollars in doctor’s bills piling up. If I don’t pay them, the doctors won’t see me. I don’t know where this magical money is going to come from and no one seems to have any ideas how to figure any of the complexities of my life out.

I am horrible at asking for help, but I have managed to ask and ask and ask for help with so much of what I’ve been dealing with these past 6 months since leaving my abusive family. The answer I always get is a “I’m sorry. It’s hard.” Yeah, no kidding it’s hard!! That is why I’m asking for help. I get my situation is impossible on many levels, but HELP!!!! No one seems to be able to though. If one more person tells me they “know it’s hard”, I may throw a tantrum. No one knows how hard it is unless you are living it. I know people following my blog are probably dealing with similar impossible situations. I want to scream and cry and act like a little child so someone will notice that I’m hurting, scared, alone, and so broke. I don’t know how I’m going to make it?? My health isn’t getting better, and I’m not going to be able to afford to go to the doctors that can help me soon. I decided to give up on my occupational therapy for my broken hands as I can’t afford the copay for twice a week sessions. I’m supposed to go to physical therapy for my back. Well, that won’t be happening either. I have to deal with the truly serious complications to my life and just live with chronic pain. I don’t mean to be whiny, it’s just one of those days.

I’m going to allow myself to feel bad and miserable about my life for 1 hour. After that, I’m going to do something I like, something positive to change my mindset. I believe I deserve an hour of misery and the opportunity to grieve what I can’t fix. I believe I can throw a tantrum for an hour. No one will see it. No one will recognize my pain, but just sharing with all of you how totally lost I am today has helped a small bit.

Anyone else feeling completely miserable today??



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