I Allowed My Heart to Close

(The real truth of who I am. The Lumieres, or “light” are the parts of myself that know I am good and pure no matter what I’ve been told or what has happened to me)

Sorry it’s been a few days since I posted. I allowed my heart to close and with that I closed off everything that was important to me, including this blog and the vision I have for it.

You see, I used to have a lot of people in my life who I called “chosen” family. One of these chosen family members sent me a very nasty text message essentially telling me I only use people to get what I want, I’m selfish, and no one really cares that I’m chronically ill. It hurt me REALLY bad, which I think was her goal. At the same moment, I was trying to remind myself that it didn’t matter and someone so cruel doesn’t even deserve to know me anyway. This was a woman that I used to write heartfelt Mother’s Day cards to. The funny thing is, she was acting strangely similar to my own cruel mom. I wanted to yell back at her that she didn’t know the truth of me and that she was cruel and mean and so many other things, but I knew it wasn’t worth it. I’ve dealt with enough narcissists in my life to know they don’t listen.

At the same time this “chosen” family member was berating me, another true friend was leaving me a voicemail saying I was amazing and inspirational. Thank goodness for her and especially her timing! We ended up having an amazing lovely and authentic conversation that lifted me up.

Even with my great conversation, something about being berated by a “chosen” mom had caused my heart to close up. There are a ton more people who know the truth of who I am over the few that choose to cause me so much grief, but for some reason I was subconsciously letting this cruel person who was resembling my biological mother win.

As the universe provides for me, I was able to go to my group last night, which is a hybrid of spirituality and psychotherapy. All the women had super charged negativity in their hearts. I was able to engage in this exercise where I could yell at my cruel chosen family member, and be sad for what I’ll never get, and reaffirm who I truly am, which is a pure, gentle spirit that genuinely cares about others. The exercise was hard, but my heart started to feel less constricted and the intense sadness began to lift. It was obviously helpful enough that I could post today!

Thank you to all that participate in the circle of being, especially last night. I was once again exactly where I needed to be to do what I needed to do to continue to work on my authenticity.

One of the women said something to me last night that I want to share with you. If you are having trouble with your relationships, but find something changing inside yourself, she said, “when you change, your friends change”. I love it! It’s simple and easy to remember and just may write it all over my house. My loss of friendships means I making real change in myself. Go ME!! Congratulations to me and goodbye to all my relationships of the past!!

So tonight, try to look at your loss from a place of peace with yourself that you are making changes to better yourself.

Anyone have a comment or story to share about losing people? I would REALLY like to hear it!!!!



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