I haven’t been very authentic in my relationships these past several days (ok, lifetime!). I’m super irritated with my physical health and have a perception that everyone else must be as well.
I haven’t talked about how I’ve been feeling physically lately. Lots of people have sent texts asking how I am. I reply that things are well or feeling content. It’s not a lie. My mental health has never been stronger, but my emotional self is housed in a body that is totally falling apart. I have been brave in managing social commitments and throwing on cute clothes, smiling through the physical pain to just collapse into my bed again in total fear of what is really happening with my body.
I have been strong in stressing the importance of my clear mind, but I’m also terrified of what my body is telling me. I’m afraid of facing this alone. I’m afraid of not making it and no one will ever know how bad it has been.
I have a friend in the chronic illness community who doesn’t live far from me. We don’t really see each other as neither of us get out often, but I have been honest with her about my health problems that have hit most recently. She encouraged me to go to the ER tomorrow morning. I told her I couldn’t drive and wasn’t taking an ambulance. She offered to pay for an Uber. My initial reaction was to immediately say no. I can’t afford an Uber as I spent my emergency fund on emergency house repairs due to a nasty storm we had for the past couple days. Before my immediate response was no, I thought to myself that I deserve care and love and friendship where someone gives back to me. It’s also not beyond the scope of what is realistic to her, so instead, I decided to say yes. I need to go to the ER. I also deserve to have my medical needs attended to. Along with my yes, I also thanked her for pushing myself out of my comfort zone in accepting help. She totally got it and responded with a “sleep well dear friend”.
A simple act of accepting a payment of an Uber to the emergency room has made me feel more love and connection than I think I’ve felt. I think it’s because I’m allowing it. I’m allowing self love through allowing others to love me.
When I left another state in the beginning of 2018, my amazing therapist wrote me a letter. In it she said something almost like this, “I hope someday you will realize that you are more than what you can give to others”. It’s true. In giving myself the acceptance of a gift, I recognize that this friend sees me as more than what I give to others.
So much time alone and my heart broken a thousand times to be filled with what I have been searching for. A genuine recognition that I’m worthy of the care of others.
Give yourself a gift too and send healing thoughts my direction as I tackle this next health challenge. Even with a full heart and a strong mind, one can still feel very afraid.