I have figured out nothing about life is perfect, nor am I, although I have incredible moments and do incredible things. This includes ways I interact with people, ways I do things, ways I face life. A naivety to trust and dole out too much kindness to people who don’t deserve it is actually not good. Will I still smile at random people, give to others as I can, work at being a good compassionate person/friend? Absolutely. I believe kindness will always get you much further than negativity.
Interesting is that I learned about boundaries. At first I felt mean for setting boundaries as I was always the “nice” girl. Even if someone severely wronged me, I was nice. It seemed like the whole world should like you. WRONG! I sacrificed my own well being to be nice. Boundaries sometimes have awful consequences, but with time, as you stay in your integrity and recognize you have a loving heart, and even if it may take years, you will come out on top. People who set boundaries with you, but are also willing to discuss why and engage in healthy conflict are the best people to have in life.
Sometimes you have to apologize. Even when we act with compassion and love, we make mistakes. I make plenty of them, and I do my best to sincerely apologize. If someone will not see your effort at being a better person when you make an attempt to make amends, leave them behind. You don’t have to explain yourself dozens of times and grovel.
As I have removed practically every old friend in my life and even “chosen family” who didn’t care for me wiping “doormat” off my forehead when I returned to my city after being gone a year and realized I grew and changed, but they didn’t, huge doors opened for me to meet an authentic circle who care about me for me, not for what I can necessarily do for others.
Being sick sucks. I had a huge energy boost the past week. I began another series of IVIG infusions today. The energy is gone replaced with feeling terrible. The infusions are necessary as they give me those moments of feeling great. I realize as I will now be doing this just about monthly, I will lose one week to have 3 good ones. I will appreciate my 3 good ones, but after doing so much recently, it was a blow to feel terrible again. I somehow forgot the nasty side effects even though it was only about 6 weeks ago.
Hobbies are important. Even if you are busy with family and a job and only get 2 days off a week, do something you enjoy in some of your spare time. I enjoy yoga, love my wheelchair basketball team, enjoy reading, and writing is a passion. I’m trying to get the gusto to paint again. Don’t forget about you as you go through the business of life and don’t forget to spend time with people you love no matter how busy you get.
Our time on this earth is limited. I have had to face it over and over as I have ridden the roller coaster of feeling like I’m dying to having hope I’ll actually get decent treatment.
Which leads me to my final rambling, just let things go. There is so much we can’t change. If we get stuck in the future and what might happen, it will give you great anxiety. I decided to let the worry about my future of my health and the implications of having many diagnoses, but I also have some very troubling symptoms worrying many. I’m stepping off the roller coaster. I will still follow through with what I’m asked to do medically. I will continue to dig and dig and research until I literally fall asleep as the phone falls on my face to find foods I can eat with my gastroparesis that aren’t just white bread and pudding. I will still advocate for good medical care, I will continue to do yoga, meditation, and do everything possible to stay as healthy as possible, but I am letting it go. I’m letting lots go. I’m not fighting with irrational people or ideas no matter how unfair it may seem. Just letting go to do my thing as peacefully as possible and enjoy a life that none of us will never know when it will end.
Step off the busy path. Give yourself some peace. Enjoy your company. Find something that brings you joy.
And I take it back, I find nature is perfect. This final picture is of one of the mountains I see when I drive to the hospital infusion center.