After this post, I will be downloading my blog for my personal file and shutting it down within a couple days. I close out this blog for the reasons I mentioned in the previous post.
I’m extremely sorry how much the world is hurting, especially the events in the United States. It’s been tragic to watch and know how deeply affected people are close to me.
A lot of people are in pain and unfortunately, we tend to isolate when we hurt and don’t share it. I’ve been guilty of it myself for many years as I couldn’t be real with myself how much I hurt. I didn’t think anyone wanted to listen.
I sent an acquaintance a happy birthday text hoping they had found some way to celebrate. I ended up getting a few texts about how horrible the day was and why. The part that made me sad was that this person’s final text said something about “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that”.
I responded that I was glad they could get it out and I DID deserve it as sometimes we have to let it out. It doesn’t mean I can fix it, but I can be the person who cares on the other end. I was honored they told me how rough it was.
If there’s one thing I want to leave reiterating from this blog is that it is OKAY to share your pain. It’s actually the most healing thing you can do is to find a friend, not a therapist (or in addition) that will hold space for you and even if it’s not reciprocal in that relationship, go into holding space for others who hurt.
Take care of each other. Don’t hide. Everyone hurts, a lot, at times. Even people blessed with supportive families, friends, a romantic partnership, or all of the above can have deep pain.
I learned where to share mine. I’ve learned where to hold onto it for myself. Not everyone has to know what we are going through, but it’s important that SOMEONE knows to feel visible.
In my 20+ journey of working on my severe childhood trauma or CPTSD to one extent or another, I have met countless people who think their problems are “too much”. They continue to persecute themselves for what was done TO them instead of recognizing that living each day is a heroic effort when you didn’t have a family to teach you how.
I’m not sure how I’m managing to live in such light except I’ve finally recognized who I am. I know my truth. I don’t have to explain myself. Not everyone is going to like the person I am. I felt more lonely with a ton of friends versus the handful of devoted ones I have now. I still hurt. I still cry, but that brings relief to move forward.
I have very ugly things happening in my life, with my health, and the disruption of my country deeply affects me. I also notice the tiny miracles that surrounds me daily.
My life path is changing to aid people in gaining resiliency to manage the impossible as contrary to what psychology used to say, resiliency is something you can build.
In doing that, I will begin a different blog eventually that will be more organized and focused. It will have more of a focus on chronic illnesses and living as well as possible with them. I will mention the connection of trauma to developing chronic diseases, but it will not be my focus. I’m grateful for this blog and the journey it led me down.
Through disability, illness, fractured relationships, and more loss than I could ever list, or even feel I would have the proper time to grieve, I built myself back up to be a person I’m proud of. Life is changing for me. I occasionally think in my head “I must be crazy, evil, ugly, terrible…” until I remember those are old thoughts someone else put on me.
Find your light. Find your beauty. Just because someone told you it doesn’t exist, it doesn’t make it true. I will say the more emotionally healthy you become with setting appropriate boundaries that are true to you while thinking of the other person (I’ve made plenty of huge mistakes of course), people will hate you for it if they aren’t strong in their own. You will also gain the genuine love, respect, and admiration from others that I desperately wanted for a near lifetime.
Not each day will be perfect. Life is a constant navigation of highs and lows. Stay in the center to move forward.
Last couple days to connect with me via my contact page. If you just want to shoot an email to know my new blog, I can do that too.
In the meantime, keep your head up. Live with integrity constantly examining how to grow and change to evolve to be better and feel better. ✌️, oh and cry as much as you need. There might not be toilet paper, but I have found plenty of Kleenex!
Lizzie (my examples through pictures of my paradox of highs and lows. Weekly medical treatment that has me feeling awful to be able to hike a few days later)