She’s Tired, but She’s So Brave

I had my first day of my loading dose of IVIG or immune globulin therapy for my CIDP or chronic inflammatory demylenating polyneuropathy. I’ve been on home infusions for several weeks, but it wasn’t holding my symptoms.

Last week, I was told to write a letter to my younger self as I’ve been incredibly hard on myself lately, demanding perfection for everything I do. I know perfection is a myth.

I was told I didn’t have to write the actual letter, but to think about how if I would treat my small self. For me, I realize I’m demanding perfection of her, who is me who has had a very rough go in life with childhood trauma and having multiple chronic illnesses now.

I take pictures of myself constantly whether it’s a “pretty picture” or reality. Today was reality.

I’ve been rushing around preparing for my infusion week, not getting everything done, and feeling bad about it. I was up early this morning so I did my iyengar yoga practice and packed myself my usual healthy lunch.

I took this picture of myself at the infusion center. Today I can look into my eyes in the picture and see that a lifetime of fighting, making it, fighting more, figuring out how to do and be better combined with an autoimmune flare has left me bone tired exhausted. But today, I don’t just see IVIG as another one of those things I just have to do, I look into my eyes and see bravery. I see a woman who isn’t giving up. I see a me I am actually proud of.

I might look a little battle worn today, but I’m here. I’m still feeling light filled. I still slay the effects of CPTSD while being the healthiest me ever.

Sometimes a picture that doesn’t portrays perfect is exactly what we need to see to enjoy the perfection of just our existence.



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