I’m Not Sick, I’m Centered

I took advantage of the early morning cool temperatures and glorious clouds that are rare in the high desert to do some gentle yoga and a short walk in a local park. I’ve been turning down my exercise notch a lot. I’ve been tired and my muscles just seem to get very heavy and fatigued. I broke 7 bones in two years from falling. I’m good with only having broken toes lately that I can tape together as my proprioception is off. That’s fancy for I can’t figure out where I end and the wall begins. It’s a neurological problem.

When you live your life no make what it is, it feels normal. I sat in the grass feeling very centered and ok that I’m slowing down a lot. A couple coworkers from a job I quit in 2016 due to disability happened to be at the park too. So I walked with them for a bit.

I listened to the complexities of the inner workings of my old job and what a disaster it can be on so many levels. I hear people talking about their jobs all the time. It’s so different than hearing about a job I used to do. And I remembered I was grateful my body became instantly paralyzed in 2016 eventually leading me to have to quit.

I kept up with them fine with pace. What is always interesting to me is how people move so smoothly on their own two feet alone. Like how? If I have to stop and have some water, I actually have to stop even having a mouthpiece to my water hydration right on my pack strap. I have to get my balance to put a crutch against me while I drink out of a device made to be used without stopping. They kept going while drinking out of regular water bottles. I forget how easy the process of drinking water can be.

Even with slowing down, I often think I can’t be sick. It doesn’t matter how much my body fails, collapses, dissolves into some new disaster…I’m completely fine.

Where my sick line gets blurred is that over 2 1/2 years ago I just decided that I was going to do everything possible to be healthy as even though I didn’t have much in concrete diagnoses, my body was being strange. I was growing into so much emotional health, why not physical health?

I had periods in my life that I was pretty healthy physically and worked at it to have something happen, whether a surgery, an emotional event, or something else that made me give up without making it sustainable. I’m committed and have been so, for what I can call years now. A new record!

My former gynecologist turned into sometimes hiking buddy, often my plant based, anti inflammatory recipe sharer, my confidante of good news, her inspiration, and listener of my hard medical reality got me into one of her friends who is a primary care doctor with full confidence she would be supportive and coordinate all my care.

I’m not too sick though! This is my list of most of my diagnoses that are being treated on some level decently.

This is the “needs work” list we have to get me to other specialists that already have imaging or testing that they exist and/or needs further evaluation. Yes, there’s overlap.

The “HCC” code after many is a flag for medical billing in the US that an insurance company knows this is going to be expensive and lifelong.

Pretty impressive list for a healthy person though. 😂 This blog post is more for myself on the days I can’t move or get everything done or be that person for everyone or be all the places I want to go or fulfill all the dreams that swim in my head. This is my reminder that I deserve days I can’t go or do.

This is also my miracle list. This is my miracle post that by eating a very healthy anti inflammatory, plant based diet that allowed my body an optimum vessel to maintain a healthy weight and working to be alive (except when I get too skinny, but I’ve been a yo yo dieter on the larger side that was unhealthy most of my adult life), by quitting smoking, by getting in the exercise I can, by learning and embracing so much about mindfulness has me moving well when my body shouldn’t go. Yay me for the commitment!

I sent my old gynecologist turned all those things listed above a message of thanks for sending me to her primary care doctor friend where I did feel validated and given the proper referrals to even get things checked that no one else ever even thought about even if it’s not amazing. She asked if I liked her. I told her I felt comfortable that she will do what a primary care should, which is coordinate all this medical complexity as I’ve been running doing it myself and “now I can leave the doctor stuff to the doctors and focus on making cupcakes”. She responded that she loved it as she saw this picture earlier of my plant based, dairy free, refined sugar free, anti inflammatory, gluten free, completely adapted recipe from a regular applesauces spice cupcake recipe as I do love baking. Pretty food that is healthy is fun too. Seeing as my old gynecologist promotes a plant based eating lifestyle to combat many chronic diseases, she thought it was beautiful.

Tasted great too, well to me. And I’m giving myself a break from being a straight A student at managing a complex life.

I’m centered AND sick.



One thought on “I’m Not Sick, I’m Centered”

  1. Wow, that cupcake looks amazing, Lizzie! I’m so impressed anyone could make that. I see a parallel to what you’re sharing in it. You are using the ingredients given you and altering the life recipe into something beautiful. You are a living applesauce cupcake!


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