Random Rant

There’s supposed to be an image there. Maybe another day. WordPress is having its own rant and not allowing it!

Since I’ve been working full time in healthcare as a patient care manager, there’s no escaping healthcare. Sort of feels like this never ending battle of giving of myself as I sort through my own serious health struggles. I don’t expect the patients I work with to ask how I am. But the friend who knew I traveled far to see a neuroinflammation specialist who asked if I wanted to host a party? Yeah, no.

Here’s the backstory to that. This friend works for an MLM company. I use their protein powder. When I placed my order, it was free to become a consultant. I did it so my friend would have someone under her and get a bigger discount for a year. Sounds like a win for everyone, except not.

I don’t want to sell overpriced products and invite friends over I haven’t seen in years with the secret that my friends are now dollar signs to sell stuff I don’t believe in to. Sounds like a good way to lose friends quickly. I sort of did it too as I was interested to see if all the google horror stories of this particular MLM were true. Sometimes human behavior is interesting to me. Sadly it’s totally cult mentality.

I’ve asserted myself I’m not interested in building my “biz”. I have a full time job. I eat really healthy and exercise in my limitations and manage multiple appointments with medical specialists a month. I also take good care of my dogs and try to keep the bathroom clean. I think that’s 4 full time jobs or something…

My compassion fatigue is running really high. I was supposed to contact a patient Friday and couldn’t do it today either (Monday) as I’m so spent. A long drive combined with hours of neurological testing and then seeing my neurologist again for over an hour had me in a place I couldn’t be present for anyone but myself. I worked on projects not involving direct patient care.

Point of this random rant is I responded to the text about my hosting a party feeling overwhelming and not interested. Crickets. They didn’t care. I’m not working my “biz”, which I never wanted. Good lesson on how they see friends as dollar signs. I suppose they have a network, but I realized I’m a commodity.

My appointment with the big city neurologist didn’t yield promising diagnoses, treatments, or high quality of life. The thing which is nice is I’m going to lunch with a friend on Friday who will let me talk about it. She understands the heartbreak of doing everything possible to stay healthy and still having my body fall apart. Good thing I can manage to stay strong mentally.

As for work, anytime I do something well, my male supervisor replies, “good girl”. Ugh. He’s actually not a jerk of a man. He’s highly complementary, but “good girl” feels demeaning as he!! I’ll be addressing his language towards me as I’m sure he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it.

Maybe that’s the problem with a lot. We don’t realize we do hurtful things unintentionally. I’ve been guilty of it. I’m glad I have the sort of supervisor who will listen to my feedback. Wouldn’t the world be a different place if we could all recognize our part and compromise, change, or have a conversation to walk away so we could know why?

It’s been really heavy since my trip to the big city for good healthcare. It was great healthcare! Except the implications of what the neurologist said aren’t terrific.

But I guess tomorrow I put my smiling face back on to support patients in need until I can sort of collapse with a friend Friday about how difficult it is.

Working is an honorable thing. I do meaningful work. Trying to find balance showing up for myself and the work I do.

Anyone in a similar predicament? Work/life balance is hard, particularly when it’s sort of one in the same.

Rant over. Maybe a chipper cheerful post how I conquered the world next time. I certainly conquered a nap today.

Love

Lizzie

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