Feelings. Feelings. Cured my anxiety and depression, but??

Weary? Yes. Sad? Yes. Depressed? No. Anxious? No.

In one thing of being a trauma survivor, I was taught to be a people pleaser. I was taught the only way anyone will like or love you is to have a smile on your face.

Today wasn’t a smiley day. Today was a very brutally sad day. I had planned to go backpacking for 3 days alone to mourn as well as celebrate something I lost a year ago.

Instead, I ended up in the hospital over the weekend. I have been trying to tell my pain management specialist that something is getting worse with my neck as I have had huge pain increases. My left arm was useless on Saturday, which is why I went to the hospital in the first place. After a lengthy MRI of my brain , cervical, and thoracic spine, the news came back. My degenerative disc disease and osteoarthritis has become much worse.

I have osteophytes, which are also known as bone spurs compressing and impinging on my spinal cord. Osteophytes grow when your spine become so diseased that your body mistakenly grows bone in the wrong places as a way to “fix” it. It’s like your body decides to grow the bone you are losing, except it doesn’t put the puzzle pieces together.

When the ER doctor came in, I asked if it was impinging on my left side? She said yes. I had a quick moment of pride that I have come to know my body so well when I tried to escape it for so long.

So there was no backpacking as even though I read everything possible on google and watched every YouTube video about backpacking with spine disease, this would be going from uncomfortable to dangerous.

So going out today to be in nature wasn’t my smartest plan. My life is a constant cost-benefits analysis. If I go outside to do what I need to put my mental health in check, I will physically hurt more. If I stay home and don’t go write the most beautiful letter to the most special person who ever was in my life outside, I will feel emotionally miserable. I chose to go outside.

My hike was quick. I stumbled. I fell even with my forearm crutches. My left arm isn’t very strong. Considering I was doing handstands just a bit over a week ago, it’s obviously a problem.

I found a spot and climbed a hill to write my letter and be one with my Kleenex. In the United states, we have a really hard time sitting with others pain. I have learned to do it for long periods with others as I know the isolation of sadness. I knew being in nature wouldn’t make me feel as alone with the pain of today.

It’s not a pretty picture, but it’s genuine. This is what grief looks like. This is getting it out. This isn’t depression or anxiety. This is reality. I know so many who won’t do this and suffer by taking psych meds to mask pain. If I didn’t grieve my day, I would be left with anxiety, or even worse, I’d just feel numb.

Just about at this moment, my phone rang. It was a friend who I have had a rather rocky relationship with, but we are both survivors of extreme childhood abuse, so sometimes neither of us can get it right as we just never learned how, although we both are putting in a valiant effort at figuring out life. It’s hard to explain to someone who comes from a loving, supportive family what compound grief is. I wasn’t just grieving the loss I was writing about, I was grieving the own loss of my childhood—a healthy thing! A lifelong process that will pop up.

So I answered even though my sobs were coming from my gut. She knew what this day meant. She just kept saying, “I know. I know. Let it out. I know”.

And I felt heard. And I felt seen. And I felt understood. And I finally felt a bit of normalcy in what is considered “abnormal” in American society—grief, pain, intense tears.

Sadness doesn’t need a pill. Sadness doesn’t even need a therapist often. What sadness needs is a supportive community to embrace you. Sadness needs to be as normalized as joy. Both are valid human emotions.

Despite this day still feeling very hard as I’m managing the physical pain of going out now and unknowns of my neurosurgical future or if this new debilitating pain is going to be my normal, I feel the slightest bit lucky that my forever messaging buddy with chronic illness saw me as she can with her limitations, and I was able to answer the phone while sobbing so hard without the person on the other end not being able to handle it or be too busy or need me to schedule my grief. She showed up on the phone while I sat on my granite monolith grieving and sobbing while she gently said, “I know”.

Who do you do that for? Are you capable? Do you feel your feelings? Please recognize that no one should feel pain and uncertainty alone. Show up. Sometimes it’s not convenient. Grief doesn’t come on a schedule. Tears can’t be put into a calendar for a coffee date in a week.



Compassion Makes You Beautiful

There’s a brand of tea I drink that has little sayings attached to them. They are always meaningful, but this one had me really thinking.

Several months ago at the beginning of the quarantine in the United States, I was invited to join a group of women for a Sunday afternoon zoom meeting. I was excited at the chance to form community.

Something a woman had mentioned resonated with me, so I went on a limb and texted her individually. She sent me very long texts planning for our future friendship and asking numerous questions about my anti inflammatory diet as she wanted to try to go down that path. She invited me to her birthday party where her extremely large family was there. I got along with them wonderfully. This new “friend” asked if I had family. I just replied, “not really” (it’s not something I broadcast as I technically have plenty of biological family, they have either rejected me for telling the family secrets or I choose to live free from the shackles of their abuse), so in these situations, I just make it seem as though my family is all out of the area and that my mom died.

So very exuberantly, this new “friend” says, “well welcome to our family. We will be your family”. I left that day elated. I felt I was going to belong to a family!!

Shortly after, her texts stopped. I kept checking in. What was once pages of texts turned into 3-4 word replies. I felt stupid. Of course her family isn’t going to just embrace me. Whatever this friend is going through, I don’t know. Maybe something I sent could have felt like the meaning was off as we have all encountered that texting feeling can be confusing if you don’t ask for clarity. Make she isn’t interested. Maybe maybe maybe.

It hurt SO much that I left the group. I’m not interested in that kind of “community”. In my final text to the group to say I was leaving, I ended my message with “take care of yourselves and each other”. I genuinely meant it as within that group of women, many had things happening in their lives where they could use help. Take care of each other. It’s so important to have compassion to not only give to a community project, but to individuals you know are struggling. That is real satisfaction for me personally.

This “friend” put in the group text when I goodbye something along the lines “I’ve been busy. You’re still my friend”. I’m busy. You deal with so much that I’ll leave you alone… and so the excuses continue. I haven’t heard from her since.

Where I say compassion will make you beautiful is that sometimes we don’t want to have compassion for those who most need it. Have you ever been one to send “thoughts and prayers”? I’ve been guilty of it and while it’s nice, it doesn’t really do much for a person in desperate need of community, genuine compassion.

Someone from my life reached out several days ago. She and I have some similar history as far as childhood trauma. It ended kind of ugly and was done, except she sent a text saying her mom had died. My compassion kicked in. Her biological mom died decades ago, but this one hurt. The mom that chose her died. She sobbed and sobbed saying, “this was the mom that chose me and she’s gone. She actually loved me”. My friend had a mom similar to mine. I cried with her as when you have no family and you genuinely get chosen, those losses hurt—a lot.

My exes mom, who I will just call “B” chose me. She died in the not so distant past. When she passed, there was no service and have no idea if there’s a place I could visit her. I did request something of hers to remember her by. I was given two very special objects of hers. One was a sleeping disc she put under her pillow for years. It hangs in one of the posts of my 4 poster bed.

When she passed, I was sick. I had a lot going on. I was sad, but I couldn’t properly grieve her. Tonight, the tears have been flowing for my friend who lost a mom who chose her and for the one that chose me. I’ve been reminiscing a lot throughout the day about how much she did for me over the years. Unfortunately, so much of it was confusing as loving kindness didn’t make much sense when I met her around 24 years ago. Even after things ended with my ex around 11 years ago, she was still loving and kind to me.

The last time I really saw her was in March of 2018. I had no place to live and only needed a place to stay for one night. She was compassionate. Despite being blind, she had put fresh sheets on her bed. She asked which side was more comfortable for me. She set out clean towels. She hugged me goodnight. She told me she loved me.

As she went to sleep, I went to her living room and cried. She was SO loving. She chose me.

Perhaps the pain of that “friend” welcoming me into her family to only disappear dashed my hopes at humanity a lot and certainly jaded me to her brand of Christianity was painful, but I also recognize it wasn’t meant to be. I left the group so I wouldn’t have to deal with that pain week in and out. It is ok.

Becoming chronically ill and generally living an atypical life of someone in my mid 40s has made me extremely compassionate. My circle is much smaller than it has ever been, but it’s solid as I know the world doesn’t have to accept me as that would make me a chameleon, a people pleaser. I’m done with that chapter of my life.

As I grieve B and for my friend who no longer has the mom who chose her and returns to the ranks of those of us rejected by our biological family, a club we never asked to belong to, I understand that we are strong. We are compassionate. We are loving and have to remember all that compassion we dole out to others, we have to look in the mirror and send it back to ourselves.

Better stop. I have a sunrise hike I want to do so I can sit and talk to B and thank her for choosing me when no one ever did in a genuine way as family as I didn’t get to thank her on this earth. I will thank her properly as the sun rises.



When You School the Psychologist

This was an “oops” picture, but I love it as nature is my current therapist.

Pain management referred me to a pain psychologist as he was supposed to help me with energy conservation and the grief of chronic illness. Instead, he wanted to delve into my trauma history without really giving me the support for it. I promised him 3 sessions. I won’t be going back.

Our final session happened last week. I mentioned a painful one year anniversary is coming up for me. He said, “how will you distract from the pain”. I looked him straight in the eye with the reply, “distract from it? Distract from it? NO, I’m going to embrace it and while it will be a sad day, I am going to do something symbolic to celebrate what I’ve lost. Furthermore, being happy all the time is a western myth”.

With my words, he got very quiet. He looked sideways out the window. After a few second of silence, he said “true”. After another period of silence, he said, “I guess that’s better than taking a benzo”.

By “benzo”, he was referring to anti anxiety drugs like Ativan, klonopin, Xanax, or any of those drugs that are an attempt to mask uncontrollable anxiety. I took them for years as western psychology told me I had to be happy and calm. My personal psychology says feel it all to not be anxious. Forget psych meds…forever.

I’ve mostly departed from western psychology for over 2 1/2 years. I learned what I needed. I thought I needed the pain psychologist as I sometimes long for someone to know what happened to me. I want them to know my history so they know the pain I lived, to know I’m a success now. I want a stranger to be proud of me.

I realized in my 34 days I spent at what I refer to as my “trauma resort”, which is really a name for the rather fancy residential treatment I went to for my CPTSD in 2017. My individual therapist came to me on the Monday or Tuesday after I had arrived with a regular composition notebook and told me to start writing. I told her I was going to need more than one notebook.

My trauma story sits written on hundreds and hundreds of pages in several composition notebooks that sit in a special place in my room. My trauma story has been told on paper even if no one knows exactly in detail what happened to me.

I recognize that having an extremely traumatic past has shaped me. I used to think it meant a lifetime of misery and hating myself. I see now it gave me resiliency, an uncanny ability to feel adept at walking in other people’s shoes, sensitivity, kindness, compassion, and I am well aware it has hugely contributed to being chronically ill.

I spoke to a young woman a few days ago who I was actually at my trauma resort with. Another one passed through town and spent the night. They and so many others who have experienced trauma and are struggling have begged me to write my story. I’m not looking back. They don’t want the story of my trauma. They want the story of how I healed without western psychology.

So I hope to get it done eventually. It’s not that I’m perfect in my healing. Far from it in fact. I do know I’m committed to it. I recognize sadness and pain are equally as important as joy and elation.

As I go into a work meeting tomorrow morning that I joked to them I would prefer my title be “hope dealer” versus what my official title is, I will spread the message that life is hard for anyone. Being happy constantly isn’t attainable. I wasn’t blessed with a loving and supportive family or a life partner. I didn’t get the satisfaction of safe adults. What I did is get an inner resolve to live to the fullest that I can. I embrace it all, even when it’s really hard.

As I go into being a “hope dealer”, I will remind the people I’m working with that “constant happiness is a western myth”.



Books and nature and suffering

This. So much this. An excerpt from Victor Frankl’s “Mans search for meaning”. I often tell people what thrust me into emotional healing was a ton of physical suffering. Frankl also mentions in his book that finding meaning in suffering is the highest achievement in finding meaning. He wrote that in a survey of who people admired most done in the 1980s, it wasn’t academics, financially successful people, great artists or even writers, the people they admired most were ones who suffered great adversity and held their head high. He writes in depth that American society thinks the only way to be is happy. Sadness isn’t pathological. I’ve been saying it for years. Guess Frankl beat me to it by many years. Read some books. You might find some meaning.

The night before last was bad. My neck is an arthritic, herniated, rare type of migraine causing disaster. It’s called occipital neuralgia.

I take pictures of everything in my world. By 4 am, the pain in my neck was so awful, I was just waiting for the ice to work. I couldn’t meditate or breathe through this pain, so I sobbed at how unfair it is. I won’t take an opiate at 4 am as I need to be clear and alert during the day. I rarely take them at night even.

The ice set in. It calmed the inflammation. I took a prescription dose of ibuprofen and got myself to “therapy” by sunrise as “ding ding, Lizzie you need to have an emergency therapy session with Mother Nature”.

This is my therapist: large, granite monoliths. This therapist is rock solid, literally 😂. Leaning into the power of this particular therapist reminds me I’m strong. I’m reminded I can do it. I’m held up even when I should be falling over. It gives me a break from my pain even though doing this causes me more physical pain after, but I sometimes decide the cost is worth it. Emotional freedom is ok with me. Chronic pain is chronic. It’s not going anywhere and as overwhelming as that feels, I can choose to be liberated into health in my mind. I’ll move while and when I can.

And today I played trying to figure out my backpacking equipment and scouring the internet on how to make it happen with a very bad back without causing further injury. My added bonus is I learned my $8 backpacking stove boils water in 3 minutes. An anomaly for cheap!



This is my friend Ann. Today is her Birthday

This is my friend Ann. Today is her birthday. She is a Thai woman who works in Bangkok during the week and goes approximately 90 miles via a commuter van to her home province every weekend to be with her family.

I know Ann through another friend. I’ve never met Ann, but when I became friends with one of her family members in the United States many years ago, she friended me on Facebook. In her initial message to me, she said “hello my sister”. In the years that have gone by, Ann has treated me like a true sister. I have biological family, I’ve had plenty of chosen family, but she encompasses what sisterly love truly looks like to me. She is the only sister to call me a sister who feels like a sister.

I can’t exactly explain how important she is to me to her as even though her English is pretty good, a lot gets lost in translation. No country is perfect, but the way the Thai people encompass community and giving, always inspires me.

Each year, I get excited to read her birthday message. It’s very different from the United States where we expect people to celebrate us and give us things. She offers thanks to others. Last year she thanked her parents for giving her life. She thanked her friends for holding her up in sad times. She thanked the “god in the sky” for blessing her with a baby girl that brought her smiles.

I know Ann doesn’t have a simple and easy life. She is joy filled, gracious, and I learn so much from her. This was her birthday tribute today.

I love that she wishes blessings for others. She gave to her country and donated to the monks today. It wasn’t about what she got. It was about what she receives and her wish to give it to others.

A couple weeks ago she sent me a message that said, “Lizzie. Please come back. Show my daughter what it is to live”. I hope someday to be well enough to go back for an extended period and of course the world has to heal from COVID.

When I went to Thailand at the drop of a hat nearly two years ago, I planned to stay longer and was going to go with her to her home province and meet her family and her very young daughter. I didn’t get to go. I had to get home.

Ann was a huge reason I went to Thailand. I didn’t think she would be as gracious with sending her massage therapist to me and giving me ideas where to go and how to circumvent tourist traps like taxi gouging, but I was honored. It wasn’t even Ann that made me go exactly, it was just the kindness and kindness I experienced from her family member that I wanted to go see where this kindness was created.

I wrote about my trip to Thailand awhile ago. It was the craziest thing I ever did. It also gave me the most sanity. I went alone and booked my trip just a couple days before I left as I had a moment of feeling better and was honestly cheaper than staying home. It was the last of my savings. It was the best thing I could have spent it on. Everything aligned for me to go.

I need to do something a little “crazy” soon. I’ve felt like I’m in some kind of weird sadistic experiment lately as it’s just felt like how much more can be piled on me before I break. I don’t break. I get sad. I get upset. I sometimes lapse into hopelessness. I don’t discuss the complexities of all I manage, but I’m feeling heavy. I still maintain hope. It just feels a little different lately. It’s not depression at all. It’s just a lot.

Looking at the handful of pictures I took in Thailand, I will just leave you with this one. When my plane pulled out of the gate in San Francisco heading to my first layover in Tokyo, I thought of faking a heart attack so the plane would go back to the gate as I had a huge rush of anxiety of realizing what a crazy idea this was. I was on a Japanese airline, the only white person, ok that didn’t bother me, but no one was speaking English. I was going to a country I knew nothing about except that google said it was safe to travel there as a woman alone. I didn’t even know what I was going to do there honestly.

Just as I was about to hit the call light to alert them to my fake heart attack, a little Japanese toddler in the row in front of me turned around and gave me the biggest smile. I knew it would be ok.

So this isn’t a picture of how calm I felt there or pictures of Bangkok. This was a picture of my plane descending into the airport on the outskirts of Tokyo. All I had seen was water below me for 10+ hours. Suddenly, there was green land. I was arriving in Japan! A chronically ill woman alone. I wasn’t looking backwards towards that gate in San Francisco. I was looking forward to navigating making it to my connecting flight to Thailand with silent tears streaming heavily down my face that after so much of a lifetime of being afraid. I was definitely being crazy. I was also being brave.



Chronic Means Forever

I have multiple chronic illnesses. Somehow I keep thinking I’ll escape the idea that chronic means forever. I guess I have this vision that I’ll regain energy and abilities that are gone.

I have been slowing down a lot. I’m making space for people in my world that gets more and more limited as I realize the limits on my energy. It’s not as much a sadness as an acceptance.

I was tired today after an impromptu out of town guest spent the night as we talked late into the night and woke early craving more conversation. This past week has been a lot of planning and doing as I prepare for what looks like entering the world of employment again within a few weeks. It’s an incredible opportunity. It’s honestly a gift.

After my guest left late this morning, my instinct was to go outside even though my body was begging me to go back to bed. My head was pounding.

I decided today hiking wasn’t going to be about distance, calories, miles gone, or a destination. Today was about finding a quiet spot to sit and enjoy that my life can still be as joyfully spontaneous as my symptoms are that make me feel sick and destroyed without much warning.

I didn’t track how far I went. I didn’t notice the time. I did find a shady perch on a huge, granite monolith characteristic of the eastern Sierras.

I took off my shoes and sat. I felt grounded being there. I also felt very tired and even though I wished I could sit on my perch all afternoon, I noticed how much I could enjoy the time I was there to just be.

The hike back was gratefully shorter than I thought I had gone. I ate my snacks quickly and drove 45 minutes back home.

My body hurt. My arthritic neck was asking me “why?”, the headache that was already there before I departed was stronger. I got a very quick shower in and fed my dogs. I think I was in bed by 4:45 pm and asleep within seconds. I was kind of mad at myself for doing it. I was angry that something quicker than my normal had depleted me so much.

As I wake up 2 1/2 hours later where the sun is still up, but I’m not personally getting up, I know why I did it. With the pain and fatigue my little outing brought me, it also gave me a few moments of respite from my chronic illnesses. Sitting on that huge slab of stone with my shoes off made me forget the complexities of my world that contains hardship as well as lots of hope. I sat on that powerful surface not even thinking about much except being fully present in that moment. I wasn’t looking back. I wasn’t looking forward.

And I’m not mad about my body being so tired from a little adventure into the calm of the mind. The calming and grounding of nature is an escape to peace.

I had a goal in spring to keep increasing my mileage in hiking so that maybe I could keep up someday with my hiking friends. I realized there’s a good possibility I won’t ever get there. As I slow down and allow my body to do what is naturally within its capabilities versus what my mind wants to do, I get something greater than an increase in distance, stamina, the ability to keep up with healthy people, instead I gain an appreciation for myself and no matter how many miles I put in today physically, I went an infinite number of miles in my mind and my soul.

All I wanted to do was be barefoot in nature. I got it. And if there’s another day I long to ground my bare feet into the earth with a day I’m not able to get up, I can stick my toes in my houseplants at the end of my bed remembering the day I sat on a granite monolith completely at peace knowing that chronic is forever. The day I gained so much more acceptance that I probably won’t keep up, but who am I racing? If it’s just me, I already won.



I’m Not Sick, I’m Centered

I took advantage of the early morning cool temperatures and glorious clouds that are rare in the high desert to do some gentle yoga and a short walk in a local park. I’ve been turning down my exercise notch a lot. I’ve been tired and my muscles just seem to get very heavy and fatigued. I broke 7 bones in two years from falling. I’m good with only having broken toes lately that I can tape together as my proprioception is off. That’s fancy for I can’t figure out where I end and the wall begins. It’s a neurological problem.

When you live your life no make what it is, it feels normal. I sat in the grass feeling very centered and ok that I’m slowing down a lot. A couple coworkers from a job I quit in 2016 due to disability happened to be at the park too. So I walked with them for a bit.

I listened to the complexities of the inner workings of my old job and what a disaster it can be on so many levels. I hear people talking about their jobs all the time. It’s so different than hearing about a job I used to do. And I remembered I was grateful my body became instantly paralyzed in 2016 eventually leading me to have to quit.

I kept up with them fine with pace. What is always interesting to me is how people move so smoothly on their own two feet alone. Like how? If I have to stop and have some water, I actually have to stop even having a mouthpiece to my water hydration right on my pack strap. I have to get my balance to put a crutch against me while I drink out of a device made to be used without stopping. They kept going while drinking out of regular water bottles. I forget how easy the process of drinking water can be.

Even with slowing down, I often think I can’t be sick. It doesn’t matter how much my body fails, collapses, dissolves into some new disaster…I’m completely fine.

Where my sick line gets blurred is that over 2 1/2 years ago I just decided that I was going to do everything possible to be healthy as even though I didn’t have much in concrete diagnoses, my body was being strange. I was growing into so much emotional health, why not physical health?

I had periods in my life that I was pretty healthy physically and worked at it to have something happen, whether a surgery, an emotional event, or something else that made me give up without making it sustainable. I’m committed and have been so, for what I can call years now. A new record!

My former gynecologist turned into sometimes hiking buddy, often my plant based, anti inflammatory recipe sharer, my confidante of good news, her inspiration, and listener of my hard medical reality got me into one of her friends who is a primary care doctor with full confidence she would be supportive and coordinate all my care.

I’m not too sick though! This is my list of most of my diagnoses that are being treated on some level decently.

This is the “needs work” list we have to get me to other specialists that already have imaging or testing that they exist and/or needs further evaluation. Yes, there’s overlap.

The “HCC” code after many is a flag for medical billing in the US that an insurance company knows this is going to be expensive and lifelong.

Pretty impressive list for a healthy person though. 😂 This blog post is more for myself on the days I can’t move or get everything done or be that person for everyone or be all the places I want to go or fulfill all the dreams that swim in my head. This is my reminder that I deserve days I can’t go or do.

This is also my miracle list. This is my miracle post that by eating a very healthy anti inflammatory, plant based diet that allowed my body an optimum vessel to maintain a healthy weight and working to be alive (except when I get too skinny, but I’ve been a yo yo dieter on the larger side that was unhealthy most of my adult life), by quitting smoking, by getting in the exercise I can, by learning and embracing so much about mindfulness has me moving well when my body shouldn’t go. Yay me for the commitment!

I sent my old gynecologist turned all those things listed above a message of thanks for sending me to her primary care doctor friend where I did feel validated and given the proper referrals to even get things checked that no one else ever even thought about even if it’s not amazing. She asked if I liked her. I told her I felt comfortable that she will do what a primary care should, which is coordinate all this medical complexity as I’ve been running doing it myself and “now I can leave the doctor stuff to the doctors and focus on making cupcakes”. She responded that she loved it as she saw this picture earlier of my plant based, dairy free, refined sugar free, anti inflammatory, gluten free, completely adapted recipe from a regular applesauces spice cupcake recipe as I do love baking. Pretty food that is healthy is fun too. Seeing as my old gynecologist promotes a plant based eating lifestyle to combat many chronic diseases, she thought it was beautiful.

Tasted great too, well to me. And I’m giving myself a break from being a straight A student at managing a complex life.

I’m centered AND sick.



I’m Smiley Again

This was not a picture from today. It’s actually a part of a series of photos I’m taking that explore the intersections of being feminine, ladylike, strong, disabled, and all the irony that goes along with it.

It has been a BAD week. My mind isn’t great at telling me I’m very stressed as I generally feel calm. My body loves to tell me though. With autoimmune diseases it’s very important to keep stress low. General life stress sometimes can’t be avoided.

My gastroparesis flared very badly this week. Gastroparesis is a chronic illness where your stomach becomes paralyzed and can’t move food through, so it becomes stuck. My old neurologist kind of really simply put it that as my nerves are demylenating (fancy word for they are stopping working causing paralysis and pain), the ones that control my inside organs can too. My gastroparesis is most likely caused from neurological diseases.

Definitely not a glamour shot. I’m about authenticity though, and my whole life is worthy of a picture. I ate a tiny piece of fruit no different than my usual, but my stomach instantly swelled and the pain is stabbing and searing. This picture is actually when it had improved. Gastroparesis is normally controlled through diet, medication, or at more extreme levels, a stomach pace maker is implanted or a permanent feeding tube into the intestine. I’ve been lucky to manage mine through keeping stress at bay, noticing when I have to switch what I eat, and my ever annoying yoga 😉 that I love that I have poses to aid digestion.

I thought I was going to have to go to the ER as I couldn’t have a sip of water without swelling more. I remembered I had an old prescription I used to take before. I found it and after nearly a day and 4 doses, I felt better. I can’t take the meds regularly as it has a black label warning to cause movement disorders, which I’m still managing the one it caused for me.

I know gastroparesis can be brought on by stress. When my coping skills are taken and all I can do is lay here in agonizing pain not even able to do my self infusion for my other chronic illness, I ALWAYS go into what I call my “cess pool of self hate”.

The cess pool is when all those negative messages about me from childhood and negativity I’ve encountered as an adult start swimming in my brain as truth instead of as lies I’ve been told.

I’m lucky to have an incredible friend who messages me through these times reminding me I’m brave and am enduring the impossible all while wearing a million other hats taking incredible care of myself.

In that cess pool, I can kind of hear it, but worthless, failure, loser, stupid, ugly, liar, seems to overwhelm me instead. My friend is gentle and kind and brave herself to be on her journey and stay with me through mine.

So today, I finally felt a little better and could really embrace her words of the truth of who I am. As the day went on relatively mundane without any surprises or gut punching news, literally or figuratively, I took joy in the simple. I appreciated that it was boring. I didn’t push myself, although I still accomplished things, plenty of things, but nothing felt over the top. I didn’t push myself.

I didn’t stay in that cess pool of self hate long. It was maybe 48 hours that coincided with some pretty awful physical pain and would believe anyone’s defenses go away when you are in physical agony.

So I didn’t worry that nearly a week without exercise made some of my muscles turn to flab. I didn’t stress that my “to do” list still sits with plenty to do.

I did notice that I end my day smiley again. I have zero guilt I didn’t get it all done. I get ready to go back to sleep holding onto my friends written words about my worth, love, and value as the truth. Getting out of the cess pool so quickly when you have been trained to stay there is wonderful as complex PTSD isn’t an easy thing to manage. Throw some chronic illnesses on top of it, and I know that simply loving myself is a major accomplishment. Giving myself a break is the peak of the highest mountain.

And of course I did a little yoga stretching today. Only a little, maybe 15 minutes tops. This pose is called “happy baby”. You rock side to side while stretching each leg to your capability in your hand alternating. And I felt free doing it.



Life is Certainly Real and Those that See It

Yesterday I climbed a big hill. I wasn’t totally in the mood, but I signed up for the GBS/CIDP foundation raise well challenge. It’s 30 days of August of health and wellness challenges to raise money to research and maybe find a cure for Guillaine-Barre Syndrome, which is acute and the chronic form that I have, chronic inflammatory demylenating polyneuropathy. I didn’t sign up for the challenge just for me, but a friend I’ve known for 25 years came down with GBS a few months ago and is having a rough time healing. It is potentially devastating with people in my support groups asking on behalf of a family member if IVIG got anyone off a ventilator or did it allow them to get their trach removed? A trach is a pipe implanted directly into the windpipe so people can breathe who can’t on their own.

I have a couple people in my life who really see me even though I don’t ever technically see them as they live on the other side of the country. I had to give myself a monthly auto injector today. I’m the queen of managing the pain of needles. I was lucky to message a friend how I was freaking out about the auto injector as it hurts, and I’ve become really sensitive to needles. She got me through it.

Maybe it was my failed IVIG infusion got to me when vein number 6 blew, and I finally cried. Maybe it’s the weekly B12 injections, the monthly auto injector for migraines, the 6 needles a week for my self Ig infusion that I was looking forward to skipping this week as I was supposed to do IVIG all last week. Now I’m doing it as soon as the specialty pharmacy overnights it tomorrow for Tuesday morning. I couldn’t finish my IVIG. My veins aren’t having it.

As I sat and messaged my friend about it just getting to be too many needles and how I’m overwhelmed, she validated every bit of it. It IS overwhelming and nice to have a friend who sees that for every hill I climb or time I stand on my hands, she knows I’m managing the impossible medically with integrity, sanity, and incredible strength.

Another friend messaged as he’s managing the 1 year anniversary of who he calls his “soul mates” suicide. I offered to listen to him as he’s hurting. The first bit of conversation was him saying “I know you have been powering through. And you got a job? I’m so impressed as I know what you go through. How are you?” I told him I was honestly just glad he thought of me and wanted to focus on his pain.

So as about 5 pm hit, I had done everything to manage my arthritis in my neck. I stretched. I took an Epsom salt bath. I breathed through the pain. I don’t want to take medication. I rarely take pain medication and never during the day. I told my friend I had to go to bed. The pain was so intense I had to meditate and put my head on heat to try to escape it for awhile. She was lovingly concerned.

Believe it or not, nearly 3 hours later, and I’m feeling better. This is what feeling better looks like sometimes. I’ll take it.

I don’t need sympathy or pity. I just appreciate how people who don’t see me can see me so well.

I’m glad I scale hills and stand on my head. I also know for every hill I climb, I hurt. The pain never stops, but I don’t let it stop me. I have to take breaks. I have to rest. I have to poke myself with lots of needles, but wow is it amazing to have people see the unhealthy part of a me that is very healthy for my situation.

I have dubbed myself a “pathological giver”, meaning I gave to others to the detriment of myself. I won’t say I’m in a taking mode right now, it’s more of a receiving mode. I’m still giving and kind, I’m just being more skimpy about it as I allow others to genuinely support me.

I’m figuring out a new world that includes the world of rapidly upcoming employment in what I can only call an absolute dream job and as I navigate the complexities of how that fits in my world, I’m just going to lay here and receive. Well, I’ll give a little too, especially to myself.