So Much to grieve

(My favorite wildflower I see in the Sierra Nevada. I feel like a wildflower sometimes–what caused me to be in this exact spot? I feel beautiful, but I’m really just a useless, weed.)

When I decided to start setting boundaries for myself and how I would allow others to treat me, instead of making all these huge gains that I thought I would receive, I began to experience real loss. I had in my mind that people would have more respect for me and not walk all over me. What a huge, big, wrong I had made!!! There are people I’ve known over 10 years that have walked out of my life. I suppose it’s a good thing, and deep down I know I’m doing what’s best for me, but it HURTS!!! It hurts to be alone so much of the time. It hurts to think that maybe I am completely in the wrong and that it’s truly me who is screwing it all up. The interesting thing is that when I find myself going back to those people as I’m desperate for some kind of companionship, they really only make me feel bad. The people of my past knew a Lizzie that would give and give and give to the detriment of myself. If someone asked, I gave, whether I had the energy, time, or money. I just did it as I thought that’s what you did.

About 2 years ago, I became extremely sick with a mystery illness. At the time, I was diagnosed with transverse myelitis, which is a very devastating diagnosis. Essentially, I couldn’t walk as my legs went numb. It was this illness that made me realize that all the giving I had done for other people was not going to be reciprocated on any level. In fact it was the beginning of my loneliness. I literally couldn’t give anymore as I was fighting to just do basic things. My friends didn’t help. People were suddenly too busy for me. Granted, I needed a lot of help, but I truly didn’t get much. It was an extremely sad realization that led me on a crazy journey I’ll write about more later.

As I keep saying, I don’t understand human relationships, but the part I don’t understand the most, is human cruelty. My “friends” had turned cruel. I couldn’t figure it out. I still can’t.

My son and I went camping for 3 days as I really just needed to reconnect with nature. As he slept peacefully at night, tired from so much fresh air and swimming and hiking, I found myself crying with profound sadness. I was sad, because I’ve lost so much. I haven’t necessarily lost people to death, but I have certainly had losses. I realized in that moment, I was grieving losing friends that weren’t truly friends. I was grieving as I’m so lonely. I was grieving that a lifetime of pervasive abuse has caused me to not even understand how to begin a friendship. I was grieving as I know I’m not being a good role model to my son on how to be in or maintain any type of relationship. It was just pure grief of losing so much.

With CPTSD, there is a lot of grief as we lose that first ability to attach, which leads to a lifetime of chaos with everything. I’m trying to figure it out and get it back, but what a painful process.

Are others experiencing profound pain about loss?



Existential Crisis

One of the hallmarks of intense trauma that is being researched a lot today is the effects of trauma on physical health. I will just say my physical health has been horrendous, especially this past 6 months. It’s left me with a bit of an existential crisis, realizing that none of us truly know how much longer we will walk this earth. My mortality has become increasingly evident and know I have to do what’s best for me. I have allowed the people who tormented and tortured me as a child and into adulthood to truly live my life, not me. I’m taking it back. It’s finally my time to do it for me.

I feel like I have become complacent in my pain and knowing that our end can always be near has me feeling like I’m done with living with emotional and physical pain. I’m ready to live and thrive the best I can. Of course, my symptoms of CPTSD don’t just leave me because I decide they will. Those self deprecating thoughts, awkwardness around people, wanting to isolate, feeling like I’m stupid, and no one could ever possibly like me creep up regularly. How could they not? It’s all I’ve been taught and told and truly believed for 41 years.

What I do know, is that it’s no way to live. In fact, it sucks. I see people engaging in life and it feels like everyone is content, happy even, while I’m left behind to just feel depressed, anxious, and alone. The truth is, everyone wears a mask they hide behind. I just think people with CPTSD are masters at it. I have had the biggest smile on my face and told everyone, “I feel amazing”, to only attempt suicide later that night. That is true loneliness. I’m not doing that anymore. I’m going to tell people about my struggle. If they can handle it, and stay, I would say they are a keeper! I don’t know though. I know nothing about human relationships. I am desperately trying to figure it out!

Anyone have any suggestions on their own authenticity and how it came about or is developing???



The beginning of ME!


I wasn’t born crazy. I don’t even think I was born with the propensity to be crazy. My family made me crazy. I think my light was shining just a little too bright the day I was born, so my family had to do everything to dim it. I think most everyone affected by CPTSD is just a little too bright for the world subsequently, our tormentors do their best to take it out of us. Sadly, they often succeed as my own family had for most of my life.
About a year ago, I realized I was more sad and depressed and suicidal than I had ever been. I knew I had to take my life back and figure out who I really was. I was tired of having no idea who I was or who I wanted to be or what gave me passion. I had decided to be authentic. What the heck does that mean?? CPTSD makes it so you have no idea who you are. You have no idea how to deal with other people, and navigating this earth feels very foreign as no one ever gave you a safe role model on how to do it.
This blog isn’t only for those afflicted with CPTSD. I hope anyone who has experienced intense suffering that has caused you to question who you really want to be and how you truly want to relate to this world will follow me as I journey to figure it out. This world is LONELY! Besides professional mental health help, I had wished I had a place or person to turn that understood my experience as I feel all alone and still do most of the time. What I’m learning is suffering is a human experience and when we suffer, we need each other. Sadly, the times I am suffering the most are the times I withdraw the most too. I retreat into myself as I feel no one understands my pain. Believe it or not, I DO and I WANT TO!! Please post your comments, and I will do my best to respond. Maybe, just maybe, we can form a community of real connection where no one has to do their suffering alone.
I have decided to find meaning in my pain by sharing my pain so that my fellow humans can begin to share their pain too. Ready for a cliché? Well, “sharing is caring”.
All I know is my life has been incredibly painful, but I’m ready to begin anew as a person I want to be. A person that I like. A person who gives me peace. A person I enjoy spending time with. Even if I live in solitude for deciding to take care of myself first, at least I have me, a best friend that will never leave.
This blog is different in that it won’t be scholarly or clinical, but real life in how I navigate choosing to finally live with CPTSD, and by live, I don’t just mean survive, I mean thrive. Some days are amazing. Some days are horribly painful and never can imagine getting through those emotions. And then there are my favorite days lately. Those are the days where I just am, doing what I love, which is writing and creating art about my healing path.
Please join me! I have a vision of a healing community that will be a success I can say I actually chose to do myself! Let us join together in our pain to heal together and all become authentic. The world will be better, don’t you think??