What the heck happened to me?

(No reason for this picture. I just took it as I was driving yesterday evening and reminded me of how lovely it is to go outside and be inspired by something that happens everyday like the rise of the moon)

I have realized that I have doled out a whole lot of advice about living well and with peace, and I haven’t been following my own advice. Time for me to own up to my true feelings and admit what’s been happening this past month.

My natural state is to be positive and optimistic and do whatever I can to help myself remain that way even in the worst of circumstances. Well, I found myself in a circumstance that I just couldn’t help myself out of. I had 2 infusions of solumedrol about 5 weeks ago. It’s a very potent steroid that has numerous nasty side effects. I found myself very sick after these two infusions. My right side of my body went numb, my head throbbed 24/7, and my already crazy immune system had become compromised leaving me with the worst infection that 2 rounds of antibiotics wouldn’t touch. With being so sick, I couldn’t do much. I couldn’t read, I couldn’t write, and definitely no art. The worst part was that I was so contagious that no one could come over for a few weeks.

Let’s just say this was a recipe for disaster. As no one could come over, I started to lose myself in the thoughts that no one cared about me at all. Keep in mind, people were calling and texting, but I was sure the world had forgotten all about me. I still have this deep desire for people who will never give me love or caring to give it to me. So, I fell down that horrible hole of depression. It became so bad that I had decided that absolutely no one cared, and I came up with a suicide plan that I was going to do yesterday. I’m still here!!

I will tell you, I’m not exactly sure what changed my mindset or even got me through the hump, but sometimes all I can think is divine intervention. With all of this going on, I realized that I am only identifying as a trauma survivor and a sick person. I told all of you to get out and live life the way YOU want to and do the things that make YOU happy, while I stayed in my bed in total misery forgetting that I am a human too with many facets, and not just a diagnosis.

I started antivirals for my chronic Epstein Barr virus that the nurse practitioner at my neurologist’s office began to take seriously. I am actually beginning to feel a tiny bit better with some energy, which is a precious treasure in my life.

Best of all, I am going to do something that brings me peace and makes ME happy. I am taking a trip Wednesday very far away to a place where the entire culture embraces taking the middle path and living the spirit of the Tao. I am nervous and excited and scared and elated all at the same time. A very dear therapist once gave me the advice to feel all the feelings. That’s what I’m trying to do. I am excited to be in a country where smiling at others and holding doors open and courtesy, human connection, and centeredness are values shared by much of the population. Pretty different from the US I would say.

So, I’m taking my own advice and living without regret. I hope my trip goes well and that traveling is smooth and I reconnect with myself and the values of my worth as more than what the little I’ve allowed myself, especially these past few weeks.

My trip is huge, but I encourage everyone to do something to connect with your true nature and being and essence as we are more than what we believe ourselves to be. If you take the time to read my blog, I know you are beings of light and love and needed and wanted and loved. Remember it in those dark times. I wish I would’ve listened to others telling me this these past few weeks. Lesson learned. Listen to those who have your true nature in mind and genuinely love you.

Love

Lizzie

(PS I’ll let you know where I’m at when I get there. I don’t want to jinx any of it now!)

Replace Misery with Joy

This is a bit of a piggy back on my last post, but I feel the topic is important considering how many people I know that are needlessly suffering.

So, if you suffer from PTSD or complex PTSD, or have just had a lot of bad events in your life, you are probably still torturing yourself with the past. I would like to offer an alternative.

When I got really sick and realized my life had changed completely, I realized that I was absolutely done with being in emotional turmoil all the time. I wanted to live a joyous life, the best I could, given my circumstances. Do I still get bouts of depression, of course. The big switch for me is that I was tormented by my family pretty much my entire life until a year ago when I decided to leave them behind and start over alone. They had caused me so much grief in the way of horrible depression, anxiety, too many suicide attempts to count, and countless hospitalizations in psych hospitals. That is no way to live. The sad thing is, many of my friends who deal with what I’ve dealt with in my past are continuing to live this way.

Here’s an insight: YOU DON’T HAVE TO!!!!! You are in charge. If you are still actively engaged with an abusive person, get away and quick. Your life will significantly change for the better. You will find yourself more calm, and best of all, you can begin to heal your emotional life.

I can only say this from very personal experience. I know getting away from abusive people is extremely difficult as maybe they financially support you or you feel you absolutely need them. There are ways around this, and with a good plan, you can have freedom, which will result in joy.

If you live in a totally safe situation free of abuse, please treat yourself well, and pat yourself on the back for making a safe life. Don’t torture yourself with anxiety, self doubt, believing the inner critic, or feeling suicidal. You are safe. You made it. Work on cultivating joy instead of self hatred.

Let’s face it, we have all been hating ourselves for far too long. It still rears its ugly head in my life, but I am actively cultivating a life that is joyous and abundant. If I can do it being bed bound, in a ton of physical pain, facing brain surgery, you can do it too.

Please do it. The best, most wonderful people are suffering. Don’t you have just a small spark inside of something you’ve always wanted to do that you could begin today to make your life worth living and joyous? I know I do.

Love

Lizzie