(I keep this scarf hanging on my bedroom door to remind myself that I not only need to have love for myself, but others genuinely love me too)
When I would go to sleep at night, my mom would tuck me in and always remind me “no one could ever love a person like you”. I have lived my life based on this principle of being completely unloveable. When I thought I would find love, it wasn’t true. The love I had found was based on conditions and me doing everything for them and nothing for me. No one has ever really loved me, until I started to find some love for myself.
It didn’t happen suddenly. I would find myself beginning to question those negative core beliefs. It started with really listening to compliments people gave me. I figure if someone is giving me a compliment, they are giving me a gift of themselves. I needed to take it, not negate it. So my love for myself began with taking in compliments from people, who were usually strangers as I didn’t really believe the people who “loved” me. Their compliments were based on conditions.
I then started to engage in some things I used to think were complete BS, and a lot of you may think they are too. I got really involved in my yoga practice. Yoga is really about self love for me. It is about loving that my body can move and that I have a body and yoga is about connection to myself. I know it’s super trendy right now to talk about yoga, but when I did my yoga practice consistently 20 years ago, I found I had much more inner peace then too. I dropped out of it for several reasons that aren’t important to discuss now. Anyway, these past 7 months, I’ve really gotten back into it. I can’t even do the physical part so much with my illnesses, but the connection with myself and going inside to find peace is what I practice everyday.
The next thing I really got into was aromatherapy (another thing many think is BS), but when you are breathing in something strong smelling, it makes you BREATHE!! Breathing leads to calm and different oils have different benefits. I mostly use a sleep blend and a calming blend. They genuinely help. I had a friend tell me that “her problems were way TOO BIG to be cured with yoga and aromatherapy”. I will say, mine are too, but they are tools I can use to help me when I get scared or anxious or alone. It won’t cure your trauma or make you feel like the world is a shiny, happy, place, but it can help you get to a place of peace and knowledge that the authentic person you are inside is good and worthy of being treated well.
As I leave behind the people who didn’t really love me, doors for new, true, authentic love are opening. I hope you all stop looking for love in places you will never find it. It leads to extreme pain and grief. Leaving old, toxic relationships is painful too, but there will be healing from that. If you continue to engage in toxicity, you will never heal as you are always doing battle.
If you feel you have no one that loves you or have no love for yourself, send me an email. I’ll tell you more and exactly why you are a person of beauty who deserves nothing but pure love!